I’m a little ashamed of myself today. I gave way to despair last night; I really have to stop watching late night movies about mothers who die of cancer. Last night Stepmomwas on TV: I tried to avert my eyes, change the channel, stop myself - but I couldn’t. It was like driving past an accident site: you know you’ll be sorry; you know you will carry the image of twisted metal and crushed windows for the rest of the day; you know the pictures will invade your dreams, but you just can’t look away. That’s how it was last night. I kept thinking, “This is a mistake. Turn it off. Don’t watch.” But I didn’t listen to my better judgement. I did turn it off before the mother died, but I’d seen enough. Stupid, stupid, stupid.However. Today the sun is shining. My tummy feels more settled. I am determined to rise from my bed, and maybe even get some fresh air. But more to the point, I spent a lot of time talking to God last night. Well “talking” might be misleading. I did a lot of crying out incoherently, sobbing convulsively - you know. But God doesn’t mind that. Sometimes I think that the more incoherent our prayers, the better; that’s when the Holy Spirit really takes us to the heart of God. When I don’t have any words, there’s nothing to get in the way. There’s nothing but my heart laid bare before God.In church on Sunday, a few verses really struck me. The pastor had been talking about suffering - you know I was listening intently - and he referred to the suffering of Paul.” We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us…”I certainly do not class myself with Paul, except in the sense that we are both flawed people loved by God. My “deadly peril” is different from his, and yet I feel that I can gain much insight and strength from his experience. My “deady peril” is the temptation to forget God; to wallow in my despair and never allow myself to be lifted out; to forget that God is a sovereign God who loves me and has a design for my life; to bear my grief alone and not seek the comfort of the One who made me and knows me better than I know myself; to forget that what He wants most is my heart, and that I need to trust Him with my heart, my life, my children and my future.So today, or for this moment, it is well with my soul. He is my hiding place.

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