I’m so, so tired. I can’t ever remember being so tired in all my life – not even when I was pregnant, and that’s saying something. I came home for a five day break at Christmas, and spent most of my time in bed, or on the couch. I was so fragile and weepy, that I didn’t recognize myself. Hardly a moment passed when I wasn’t tearing up over something or other. BUT… it was so lovely to be home, and hold my children close. We snuggled in bed at every opportunity. And when they could be pried away, they would run down the hall every few minutes to check that I was still there. It was very sweet, but heart-wrenching at the same time.
A couple of conversations with my son, aged eight:
Me: (Holding him close) “Oh, there’s nothing better than an arm full of Nathan.”
Him: (with a strangle hold on me) “Yes, there is – an armfull of Mummy.”

Last Christmas night:
Me: “Did you have a good Christmas, Darling? Did you like your presents.”
Him: (Long pause, then with a slightly wobbly voice) “I did, Mummy…. But the best present of all was having you home. I love you.”

My heart. How can I bear it? Sometimes, when they are not aware, I catch a them looking at me with such anxiety. Am I going to leave again? Will I return? Will I spend the rest of my life in bed, or in the tub, or in the bathroom? Will Iever play with them again, or cook a meal, or be normal in any way? And I have nothing to say. Today, I feel as though I’ll never feel well again. I’m so tired.

I finished my treatments on Monday, Dec 31. I wanted to be glad, and celebrate, but all I could do is fall into an exhausted sleep, swallowing hard against the nausea. They said the side effects would last for up to two more weeks. They’ll start up the chemo on Feb 4.

On Sunday, I felt so hopeful; so sure that I was going to be able to finish this well. But today, I’m just too tired to do anything well, except perhaps complain.

God holds me in the palm of His hand. I know that. I do. He is refining me by removing the dross. But I’m afraid that if He wittles much more away, there won’t be much left.

Maybe that’s the point. Paul said, “When I am weak, then He is strong.” I’m so weak. I’m so weak. I’m so weak.