I just need to say one more thing. When I talked about being annoyed with people giving me compliments, and telling me I looked good, I wasn’t talking about my friends, who are genuinely glad that I look healthy and well, despite the last few horrific months. I’m glad, and grateful when people tell me this: I feel loved, and supported by this. I feel that maybe I don’t look as haggard, and drawn, and fragile as I feel. That maybe, I can walk around town, and that I don’t have a sign on my forehead that reads, “I have Cancer, pity me.” When I was complaining so bitterly the other day, I was referring to people who compliment me BECAUSE of the weight loss. I find THAT really hard to bear, and I don’t know what to say in response. Because, in truth, the weight loss scares me a little bit, or it did – when I wondered if I would ever STOP losing weight, or if I would continue going in every week having lost a pound or two. I had a wretched taste in my mouth, I couldn’t eat, I was lonely and afraid. THAT”S when those comments ate away at me. Now, I don’t care so much. I feel good, I’m eating, and I’ve put on a couple of pounds. I just worry that it will start up again with the chemo. In fact, I’m sort of beside myself. I toss in my bed at night wondering just how awful I’m going to feel. I can hardly think of anything else, and I wonder how I can stand waiting until it begins. It’s the waiting that is so debilitating. And I don’t want to be complimented over somethng that has caused me so much anxiety, and confusion.
That’s all.