When I read what I wrote earlier,  I had a sudden realization.  

I think what I’ve been trying to do with all this activity is to put my illness behind me.  Pretend it never happened.  Be the person I was a year ago.  Return to myself.

But the truth is that I’ll never be that person again.

And strangely, for today at least, this thought brings no sadness, just a sense of arriving, finally, at a truth that brings strength and peace – almost a sense of fulfillment.  I can’t really explain it, today.  Yesterday I felt almost grief-stricken, but the night brought perspective, peace, and purpose (oooh, I could preach a three point sermon on that!)

I read this recently:

“Until we stop ourselves, or more often, have been stopped, we hope to put certain of life’s events ‘behind us’ and get on with our living.  After we stop, we see that certain of life’s issues will be with us as long as we live.  We will pass through them again and again, each time with a new story, each time with a greater understanding, until they become indistinguishable from our blessing and our wisdom.”

Cancer will be with me as long as I live.  However long that happens to be.  Last week I went for my follow-up in Victoria.  There were no surprises… not really.  I knew I would have to have CT scans every six months for the first three years.  The doctor said that the tumour is unlikely to grow back in the same spot, thanks to the radiation; however, people who have had one rectal tumour are likely to grow another one.  Nice.   She also said that the lungs and liver are of particular concern, hence the CT scans.  Nothing to raise my hackles yet.  But then she said, “If we find cancer in one location, we’ll just hack it out; but if we find it in more than one location there’s nothing we can do about that.”  Now, she MAY have said “cut it out”, but I heard “hack it out”, I know I did.  And the “nothing we can do about that” got my goat a little as well.

A couple of days ago, Anna said, “Mummy, if you died, and all of your friends died on the same day, I’d give you a really good funeral.”  So, I’ve got that to look forward to anyway.

But today, with the sun shining, I feel no sadness, no regret.  Whatever will be, will be.  As much as I abhor resorting to what sounds like a cliche, God in fact DOES have a plan for my life.  He knows better than I do what my future holds; what is best for my children; how He will work out His purpose for all of us.  I tend to get pretty self-centered, and think that my life is only about me.  It’s not.  It’s about God and His greater purpose.  And in some strange way, I look forward to seeing that purpose unfold.  

So, I can see how this particular “life issue” of mine – this one of many “life issues” – has already brought a small morsel of wisdom, however flawed my understanding might be.